Men pick... women choose...

You know that saying, "men pick, women choose"? Well Vanessa has basically chosen me as a friend. I feel frustrated at not knowing how she lost those romantic feelings for me. I also feel fucking pissed off for letting a keeper get away. But I don't know... maybe it is one of those 'God meant it to be' situations. Her reasons for dumping me:


1. Because she doesn't feel any 'chemistry' or feelings for me ANYMORE.

2. because shes is not ready for a relationship Right now...


There are two things that bug me. No 1: where or how did that chemistry for me dissappear in Vanessa. She claims "I dunno, i think those thoughts/feelings are not present anymore. and its not because im like distracted by other things, because ive had time to think about it and its just how i feel. like i think of you no more than an amazing friend."


In reading between the lines, I guess... she only viewed me as a friend from the beginning - which I currently find ridiculously hard to believe.... (even though on my part - she did use the word friends alot when we were together. She even used it on my birthday card during exams come to think of it).


There were definetely signs that she was interested - all the way up to last night. There were body language (mimicing, the twirling of the hair) signs that she was interested, there was the whole ice cream thing, the counter-offering when we couldn't get a date, the time she came out of a revisional class when i was about to 'break a date'... I don't know. There was also the implications of future dates, how she wanted to meet my friends, how she wanted me to meet her best friend steph... All these things that I took to be signs that she wanted it to keep going.


But then again.. There were also signs that she only saw me as a friend. Like when she insisted paying half for our 3rd date (which she saw as a first date). But at the same time though, she still kissed me at the end of it! I don't know - maybe I was so interested in her I rationalised all her behaviour to mean something else. So I guess its true... you never ever see it coming when they dump you. I think your just too infatuated at the time when they try to hint to you that, "your not that special to them..." It's only when you look back that you can see that it was probably going to happen to you soon.


Just one more point before i move on... when i mull over the matter in my head... Do you find that you ask alot of questions that start with 'maybe'. Particularly if I try to figure out how I turned her off. Maybe i was too nice on our last date. We were at a Japanese restaurant and she extended the dinner by ordering Ice cream (a sign that she was interested). She asked for ice cream and gave me a choice of flavours - and here i said whatever you want dear... it was the same in dinner main as well ('what ever you want vanessa cause I am not familiar with japanese food'). I guess this nice-no-balls-wimpy behaviour turned her off...


Or maybe I didn't pay enough attention to her at the start. As the relationship got going... maybe I should've boosted seeing her it from once every 2 weeks to twice a week or something. Maybe i should've gone to all the group things she suggested... and maybe this, maybe that, maybe wtf maybe I could've, Maybe I should've...


In the end, maybe i could've just asked her out at the wrong time. This is what she probably wants me to believe. But if it is the real reason - there was no way in the world I could have prevented emotional rollarcoster ride from happening. Which would just have been bad luck and really bad timing on my part. And that makes me feel frustrated, frustrated because I'm powerless and at her mercy. I guess the male's role in dating/courtship sucks... we just stand there with our hearts in our hands - hoping that we don't fuck up and turn off our love interests.

Reason No. 2 of why I find it hard to accept is because I thought she was perfect (for me). I always thought she was hot. I SO awestruck when I got to know her - she basically resonanted with all these things I had pictured in my mind that my ideal future spouse would be: pretty, family orientated, able to cook, funny, a blast to be with, able to keep me grounded, hot, asian, pretty and intelligent. There were also things that I resented... such as her demanding nature and not giving any choices. But that was the only (big) 'blemish' with her... she seemed to have flexible thinking, integrity and was traditional. When she broke up with me... the conclusion I came to (AND THE WORST THING ABOUT THIS):

I've let a keeper get away.


I repeat. I feel I've let a keeper get away. Again. The bigger problem. The main reason why I feel so angry, depressed, and hopelessness at the same time. This is probably the thing that fucks with me the most... I know i'm only 20 and its not like i want to get married when i'm 22 or 24. But still... its not easy to find a great woman.

I'm beginning to ask myself whether I should wait till I'm 22 to start dating. I've read somewhere that when they are 18-22 - girls have absolutely no idea what they want... (in a guy?). The traits of this age is that they go hot then they go cold - then at 22 they all of a sudden realise what they want. On reflection, I guess this makes sense because i don't know what i want in a woman. But the idea of letting go of someone who would have been a 'great' woman feels like a failure. This is because I'm sure they are so fucking hard to find!


To those that argue that "your 20, you have planty of time to find miss right..." - i argue, I'm not looking for miss right; i'm looking for a great woman. A great woman is not easy to come by, so I'll take my chances and settle down as early as possible. I have 'stuffed up' over two great women so far (vanessa included.) - and really don't want to fuck up again.

Or... prehaps. I'm the one whose wrong to think that if I find miss perfect at such an early age... I should give everything away for her, regardless of my age. But I don't intuitively think that to be wrong - great woman are hard to find.


Also, I find comfort in that you only need one great woman out of the few. But for all the positive thinking.... I still feel the hurt of having lost something you can't get back. Can someone answer me, Why does it hurt so much when you lose something you can't replace?


However, funnily enough, I find relief in thinking, "maybe God meant ot to be". I believe in having a future wife. Most would mock that. Others may praise. A small minority wouldn't give a damn. Maybe God has planned someone else for me. For some reason though- I think my gut instinct tells me i've met my future wife already... I just don't know who she is yet. It looks like its not Vanessa . I pray that God has planned someone better for me. Has He? I'll keep my virginity for him and my future wife if thats so!

Or maybe God is on the look out for me. Because of my crazy year next year and there is no way in the world i'd beable to maintain a relationship. For some reason it doesn't sound rational - but yet I find the most comfort in this latter point - God is looking out for me in the the most subtle of ways. I guess the only way to repay him is to place all my trust in him - Which I did just as I was typing this.

In the end of the day... time can only heal the hurt from losing a relationsup you can't replace. But maybe... just maybe it was meant to be. There might be something I've missed that He wants me to learn. Well I guess I've learnt that you never see someone dumping you coming because you are just too infatuated at the time...