Picking up the peices slowly... but break even stretches don't help the process!

So I've played like 200 games over the past 1 months and a half. And it sucks having a -1% ROI over that stretch. Above is the graph of the profit won and loss - and I'm essentially about break even at the moment. Over the last 200 games though - I've had like one 20+ game down swing and two 12+ game downswings. I've circled the downswings below in black:
















This isn't helped by the fact that I've only cashed in like 34% of my games so far - which is pretty low. Its a pretty low sample size - but the ups and downs takes its toll mentally. No wonder I went so shit this year on the academic front.

I once read a post by Scotty_12 on 2+2 STTF on his thoughts on the characteristics of a good SNG player. He says:


"The ideal SNG player would be mentally tough... if I were to make a player on Madden - I'd max out mental toughness"


I could not agree more - The relief of running hot followed by cashing in 1 out of 17 games (latest downswing) really does test your self belief.

But I do know that I have some leaks to fill if I'm going to be any good at these $3 tourneys. But its soooo boring studying ICM and stuff - but I guess it has to be done. Gramps once said that if the boring stuff makes you money - alot of people have trouble doing it.

Here are my stats over the 201 games with a ROI of -1.6% and an ITM% of 34.8%:

But the good thing is that I'm slowly but surely getting over the tough period at the moment - particularly on the life front. I'm starting to excersice again. I've set myself a goal to get my weight down from 90 kg to 87kg by the end of this year. So right now... life is slowly getting better - inch by inch - as Pacino says in Any Given Sunday. Now... its a matter of finding the to time read the two thesis on cancer my supervisor has given me in between the time I'm studying/reviewing and playing poker.

Thanks for reading.

3 lessons on courting that I've learnt.

How long does it take you to get to that stage where all you want to do is just move on? Mines about 5 days...

I think the times has come to be really fucking honest with myself and list all the things where I think went wrong. Ya Ya - yes I"m bitter over the whole break up thing... but most people should know what it feels like being on the receiving end. It hurts. Particurly if you thought that you had some kind of future in that perosn cause she was just freaking amazing (in my dreams). This is an exercise for myself because I realize now... even if Vanessa thinks its not my fault - There are still things I did to shoot vanessa's interest in me below 50% (as doc love would say). I once rationalised that I had really shit timing when it comes to girls... but its more like I fucked up right at the beginning. Allow me to show you how.

1st date...

I should have ended it early... (like not go to the library to 'study') and also try to kiss her - to test her interest level. It also puts that - dating feeling - into the relationship. Friends and dating just don't go together. I think its a must to kiss her on the first date now... I think the rejection at the starts hurts sooo much less than the rejection I received after 3 months of 'dating-but-really-wasting-my-time'. Fuck... thats 3 months where I could have actually gotten a better mark. I do have to plan my kiss that it is in private...

the good things: I payed for the first date - I tried to keep it light and funny: holla! Some things to keep for the next (un)lucky girl I date.

I waited a week to call again... I asked her out but she counter offered.

Stay away from the personal questions... and only stick to the light and fun stuff. Turn off number 1. Also - why did I not kiss her here? aka me = wuss and the pain of rejection at the time of writing this feels way more worst than the embarrasment of rejection back then.

The good things: she counter-offered... I tried to make her laugh...

3rd date...

I finally hooked up with her... and heres where I become not so sure and stuff where i stuffed up. The night went too long... too much indecisiveness... but she had fun? I don't think so. Also I shouldn't text her back straight away.

4th date...

she wanted to talk... to tell me this:

"k the reason why i wanted us to meet today was so that we could talk about stuf. and i wasnt sure how far into the conversation we would go but here goes.

basically what i wanted to say is im not the relationship kind of person which is what i think your wanting. as much as i love being friends with you and hanging out with you, i don't want to go there becuase right now i have a billion things on my plate, mostly to do with family stuff but then uni doesnt help.

when i was saying today that at home im like a completely different person i was being serious. like at home att the moment just a lot of stuff is happening and it would be great if you could just understand and yeah....i know personally that if we were to be more then friends that i would not be the person id want to be.

im sorry this probably isnt making sense. but like my friend from high school got annoyed at me the other night coz i prioritized things over her and my other high school friends. and i know thats not right in relationships and so i dont want to drag you into that.im sorry im such a complicated person as you can probably tell from my biochem notes.anyways that is all for now. please do not be angry and please do not start ignoring me after this email. please come and talk to me if u see me k. ive been in similar situations before and ive handled it completely wrong and yeah i dont want that to happen here. well talk soon k. "

i should've chopped it off there... but I would've regretted if I didn't try to make this work. I guess - the womanese for you turned me off, dude... Again I guess doc love is right... we had a talk and we tried to make it work - but it was only temporary. (i'm such an idiot - I really should've chopped off all contact with her here). Next time I'll be more aware of things.

the rest of the time

I = sucker to my interest in Vanessa. I feel like such an idiot and that doc love is soooo correct about relationships. I guess the stuff we talked about on the last date did not matter as she already was, like, so turned off anyway.

Point of interest... the time where her interest went from 40%-39%:

"can i just say though before i continue that none of this is not about how you've been or something youve done. i just have to clarify that.

its just how i feel i guess in answer to your question. i dont think there was some sort of definite time when i had a change of heart. it was nothing like that. when we had that "talk" i went from thinking of you as a friend to thinking of you as a friend who i could potentially start to really like in a more than friend way.

lol im so confusing. so anyways that went on probably for about two weeks or something then exams came and holidays followed. and i dunno, i think those thoughts/feelings are not present anymore. and its not because im like distracted by other things, because ive had time to think about it and its just how i feel.

like i think of you no more than an amazing friend. and if i were any sort of half-decent friend/person i wouldnt continue doing this to you. leading you on in a way to make your feelings stronger for me when i didnt necessarily reciprocate them back in the same way. can i also add that.... for me to like someone in that way.

it barely ever happens. im so serious. haha. i mean not to say i dont ever wanna have a relationship with someone in future but i know now is not the right time. im the type of person who is content in my own little world and being peoples friends and sharing my time with everybody in my life rather then just ....... basically i also think im not ready for a relationship coz im too immature and selfish to sum that up."

conclusion...

I really shouldn't shut vanessa out of my life. She didn't do anything wrong. If anything, it was me not doing stuff correctly. Or more like it - nature of the rejection the first time - playingout.

So... I guess the big lesson is - when she says no the first time - it really means no forever because I somehow turned her off. If she says yeah okay... It really is temporarily that we get back together (in our case - about 2 months). But for now - I just want to shut her out of my life so I can get over it. And by the sounds of things.. it won't be soon that i see her again.

lesson number two - light and funny, if its anything personal - give a light and funny version of the answer. An for fucks sake - leave any negative stuff behind - she only wants to be there for a good time - not a fucking motivation scheme (big leak imo) or anythign to suggest she is not good enough for you (or your not good enough for her).

lesson number 3 - approach/kiss now cause the pain is so much less than later - this is so true.

These 3 lessons I think will help me to be better. Ty vanessa - I guess God does guide me gently - even if it means that I fuck up something potentially awesome. The good thing is I guess, is that now I'll probably be able to deal with rejection by a stranger. This is because I think rejection by somebody who knows you hurts way more than some stranger that says no to your advances at the bar. AKA - getting the "no - I don't give out my personal details nline (to you)" by Leone; didn't hurt as much as Vanessa saying no to me... after 3 months of getting to know. Furthermore... its a bit humbling to know that I'm NOT a great guy... and that really I'm a noob and an idiot when it comes to women ["your a grea guy, theo - but not my great guy who is worth my love ;-) - You'll find somebody one day Theo, but that person is not me... cause you turn me off. period."]. Meh... so many things to work on. And someone buy a beer for the bitter - now old - man... for giving you some tips and wisdom on how NOT to court a girl.

thanks for reading

Men pick... women choose...

You know that saying, "men pick, women choose"? Well Vanessa has basically chosen me as a friend. I feel frustrated at not knowing how she lost those romantic feelings for me. I also feel fucking pissed off for letting a keeper get away. But I don't know... maybe it is one of those 'God meant it to be' situations. Her reasons for dumping me:


1. Because she doesn't feel any 'chemistry' or feelings for me ANYMORE.

2. because shes is not ready for a relationship Right now...


There are two things that bug me. No 1: where or how did that chemistry for me dissappear in Vanessa. She claims "I dunno, i think those thoughts/feelings are not present anymore. and its not because im like distracted by other things, because ive had time to think about it and its just how i feel. like i think of you no more than an amazing friend."


In reading between the lines, I guess... she only viewed me as a friend from the beginning - which I currently find ridiculously hard to believe.... (even though on my part - she did use the word friends alot when we were together. She even used it on my birthday card during exams come to think of it).


There were definetely signs that she was interested - all the way up to last night. There were body language (mimicing, the twirling of the hair) signs that she was interested, there was the whole ice cream thing, the counter-offering when we couldn't get a date, the time she came out of a revisional class when i was about to 'break a date'... I don't know. There was also the implications of future dates, how she wanted to meet my friends, how she wanted me to meet her best friend steph... All these things that I took to be signs that she wanted it to keep going.


But then again.. There were also signs that she only saw me as a friend. Like when she insisted paying half for our 3rd date (which she saw as a first date). But at the same time though, she still kissed me at the end of it! I don't know - maybe I was so interested in her I rationalised all her behaviour to mean something else. So I guess its true... you never ever see it coming when they dump you. I think your just too infatuated at the time when they try to hint to you that, "your not that special to them..." It's only when you look back that you can see that it was probably going to happen to you soon.


Just one more point before i move on... when i mull over the matter in my head... Do you find that you ask alot of questions that start with 'maybe'. Particularly if I try to figure out how I turned her off. Maybe i was too nice on our last date. We were at a Japanese restaurant and she extended the dinner by ordering Ice cream (a sign that she was interested). She asked for ice cream and gave me a choice of flavours - and here i said whatever you want dear... it was the same in dinner main as well ('what ever you want vanessa cause I am not familiar with japanese food'). I guess this nice-no-balls-wimpy behaviour turned her off...


Or maybe I didn't pay enough attention to her at the start. As the relationship got going... maybe I should've boosted seeing her it from once every 2 weeks to twice a week or something. Maybe i should've gone to all the group things she suggested... and maybe this, maybe that, maybe wtf maybe I could've, Maybe I should've...


In the end, maybe i could've just asked her out at the wrong time. This is what she probably wants me to believe. But if it is the real reason - there was no way in the world I could have prevented emotional rollarcoster ride from happening. Which would just have been bad luck and really bad timing on my part. And that makes me feel frustrated, frustrated because I'm powerless and at her mercy. I guess the male's role in dating/courtship sucks... we just stand there with our hearts in our hands - hoping that we don't fuck up and turn off our love interests.

Reason No. 2 of why I find it hard to accept is because I thought she was perfect (for me). I always thought she was hot. I SO awestruck when I got to know her - she basically resonanted with all these things I had pictured in my mind that my ideal future spouse would be: pretty, family orientated, able to cook, funny, a blast to be with, able to keep me grounded, hot, asian, pretty and intelligent. There were also things that I resented... such as her demanding nature and not giving any choices. But that was the only (big) 'blemish' with her... she seemed to have flexible thinking, integrity and was traditional. When she broke up with me... the conclusion I came to (AND THE WORST THING ABOUT THIS):

I've let a keeper get away.


I repeat. I feel I've let a keeper get away. Again. The bigger problem. The main reason why I feel so angry, depressed, and hopelessness at the same time. This is probably the thing that fucks with me the most... I know i'm only 20 and its not like i want to get married when i'm 22 or 24. But still... its not easy to find a great woman.

I'm beginning to ask myself whether I should wait till I'm 22 to start dating. I've read somewhere that when they are 18-22 - girls have absolutely no idea what they want... (in a guy?). The traits of this age is that they go hot then they go cold - then at 22 they all of a sudden realise what they want. On reflection, I guess this makes sense because i don't know what i want in a woman. But the idea of letting go of someone who would have been a 'great' woman feels like a failure. This is because I'm sure they are so fucking hard to find!


To those that argue that "your 20, you have planty of time to find miss right..." - i argue, I'm not looking for miss right; i'm looking for a great woman. A great woman is not easy to come by, so I'll take my chances and settle down as early as possible. I have 'stuffed up' over two great women so far (vanessa included.) - and really don't want to fuck up again.

Or... prehaps. I'm the one whose wrong to think that if I find miss perfect at such an early age... I should give everything away for her, regardless of my age. But I don't intuitively think that to be wrong - great woman are hard to find.


Also, I find comfort in that you only need one great woman out of the few. But for all the positive thinking.... I still feel the hurt of having lost something you can't get back. Can someone answer me, Why does it hurt so much when you lose something you can't replace?


However, funnily enough, I find relief in thinking, "maybe God meant ot to be". I believe in having a future wife. Most would mock that. Others may praise. A small minority wouldn't give a damn. Maybe God has planned someone else for me. For some reason though- I think my gut instinct tells me i've met my future wife already... I just don't know who she is yet. It looks like its not Vanessa . I pray that God has planned someone better for me. Has He? I'll keep my virginity for him and my future wife if thats so!

Or maybe God is on the look out for me. Because of my crazy year next year and there is no way in the world i'd beable to maintain a relationship. For some reason it doesn't sound rational - but yet I find the most comfort in this latter point - God is looking out for me in the the most subtle of ways. I guess the only way to repay him is to place all my trust in him - Which I did just as I was typing this.

In the end of the day... time can only heal the hurt from losing a relationsup you can't replace. But maybe... just maybe it was meant to be. There might be something I've missed that He wants me to learn. Well I guess I've learnt that you never see someone dumping you coming because you are just too infatuated at the time...

And my gosh... When things go bad - they go REALLY BAD

Vanessa just dumped me. wtf? First shitty uni results, now I'm single again with noone in line. meh. The dumping line:

"Theo, I just want to continue as friends"

I'm handling it okay atm - but meh... WTF is wrong with me?!!!! That is all for now. Is this just one of those setbacks that I'll probably laugh at later?

This year has been... Rough on the academic front

Here are my results from this year. I believe that the drop in my WAM from 82 to 75 is a setback.

Student ID: 3192431Program: 3991 Medical Science

UNSW Assessment Results for Semester 1 2008Issued at Thu Nov 27 16:50:02
2008=======================================================
ANAT2241 Histology: Basic and Systemati...74 CR
BIOC2101 Principles of Biochem (Adv)..........80 DN
MICR2011 Microbiology 1................................69 CR
PHPH2101 Physiology 1A.................................67 CR

UNSW Assessment Results for Semester 2 2008Issued at Thu Nov 27 16:50:02
2008=======================================================
BIOC2201 Principles of Mol. Biol (Adv)..............70 CR
INOV2100 The Innovation Process....................77 DN
PATH2201 Processes in Disease..........................66 CR
PHPH2011 Introductory Pharmacology and.....64 PS
PHPH2201 Physiology 1B.....................................68 CR
========================================================
Term WAM: 68.111 Overall WAM: 75.121

UndergraduateProvisional Academic Standing : Good Standing

My WAM has fallen from 82 to 75.121. A 7 point drop doesn't seem that bad. For example, people will argue that it is still a distinction average, etc, etc, etc and that I should be thankful that I have a distinction mark (which I am by the way... I think I'm really lucky and blessed to be clever enough to maintain such a WAM).

But I hate the fact that the results suggest that I have regressed, rather than progressed. This is the reason why i think the drop in my WAM is a failure. I don't believe in finding excuses or blaming anyone. The blame rests purely on me. However, I want to find the reasons why I am regressing - fix them up for next semester and be done with it. My goal overall is to get my WAM above 80 - which means have a HD average next year.

Well here some of the things I was happy with this year in general:

1. I was able to experiment with my studying style:


Long story short - I like loose leaflets for general rough summary notes on a topic and I love flashcards for exam purpopses. Also... I found that I studied best with the text book.

2. I was willing to experiment with my lifestyle.

Well - I picked up poker at the end of April really seriously. I have no doubt in my mind that it had a MASSIVE effect on my WAM. Also, the emotions you feel pursuing a girl (Sarah SM1 and Vanessa SM2)+ the effects of a downswing on your mental state + stresses of work + the stresses of study + the burden of knowing you need to save up $22,000 by the end of next year = a rough year. This Sounds so obvious and stupid in hindsight, i know - but I feel like I gave this year a it a really solid shot trying to balance lifestyle and work. it just didn't work out when it came to the results. Thats all.

3. I found out 2 things about my body:

* my body works best when I sleep before 12 and wake up after 4.45am.
* My most effective stress reliever is exercise - not youtube, poker, or anything that requires sitting down. I got to actually move my arse.

4. I discovered coffee

is a good kicker during the times when you can't sleep.

5. I discvered Poker

Was able to give me a new perspective on life. It actually taught me not to be so results orientated - but to be process orientated.

The negatives:

1. Easing in to things:

No such thing when it comes to uni... I really plan on hitting the ground running - I'll plan a little bit later and below.

2. Time management's enemey is instant gratification.

Not so much as in I really sucked at time management itself. For example, I thought my exam prep was okay... obviously it wasn't. But that wasn't so much because it was due to exam preparation. I felt I did EVERYTHING I could to be prepared for these exams. I honestly sincerely do. However, the damage was done during the beginning of semester when i had the oppurtunity to really be on top of everything. There was too much poker during the times that I needed to study. For example, I would finish on a tuesday this semester at 3pm. I would study (ineffectiely) from 3.30-5pm and get home, help with dinner, and not be able to study due to poker being TOO MUCH of a temptation. The Quality vs Quantity was not enough here. In hindsight, I prolly would've finihsed up on a tuesday - gone for a run in the afternoon - chilaxed. at 5.30 do a short session - then heklp out wiht dinenr - then study again till 11.30 - sleep, wake up at 5 to study again. Then when i finish - play poker till uni started.

I really underestimated the amount of effort I needed to put in this year JUST TO MAINTAIN MY MARKS. I probably out in just as much effort last year - but I ended up only getting Credits this year... It just shows that the work does get harder as you move up the years in uni.

Things I did differently from last year:

1. play poker
2. pursue a girl

These are the ONLY thing I did differently from last year. The only things I did differently and it brought my average WAM from 80 to 70. So I guess its important not to bring anything else onto the plate - Or atleast eliminate both of these things.

Things That are out of my control for next year:

1. extra 9 units
2. driving.

Thats it. Something is going to give, but I'lll try my best to not let it.

Things to do differently next year'

1. Set something up with Vanessa - like a study goal, just to help me keep on top of everything.
2. Start waking up at 5am everyday from - particularly from January July. Just get into the routine of sleeping before 11.45. And have a sleep in twice a week. This is probably the only way to get through the 30 unit semester next year and do well. Get into this routine in January when its not so bad.

* druing the time I have nothing, make sure I am up to date with all my work.
* coffee to help me out.

So all in all, the results were dissappointing - but the process was not as bad as I though tit be. I think this year was a bigger learning curve than last year tbh with you, particularly with those two massive new experiences to e - poker and girls. Thanks for reading.

THeo

reflection on exams and poker.

Well I finished last thursday. I have to say that exam period was alot less stressful than my last semester exams. I think i have found my formula to study: make notes on my lecture notes using leaflet sheets, then as exams approach write out flashcards and memorise from there. A flahcard takes about 10 minutes to write - so it can take up to 3 hours per lecture per subject - which ofcourse is not very conceivable - but that would be the ideal.

Also - I found that you really do need invest in a text book for the semester. It makes studyig that much easier. And that is all I'm going to say about studying.

So I'm on a bit of a down swing - playing $3.40 My downswings tend to be when i make the right play, I get shafted on. Then when I make the wrong call - I get pulverised. But today I have been making some ninja reads. Check this out - bvb:

PokerStars Game #22132534412: Tournament #121211561, $3.00+$0.40 Hold'em No Limit - Level VI (100/200) - 2008/11/17 19:28:27 ETTable '121211561 1' 10-max

Seat #3 is the button

Seat3: ToWaSe (885 in chips)
Seat 4: Bluffin2Much (2000 in chips)
Seat 5: thewran (3140 in chips)
Seat 6: oldperson 47 (585 in chips)
Seat 7: VickiVix63 (3990 in chips)
Seat 8: petitdauphin (3060 in chips)
Seat 9: squareonflop (1340 in chips)

Bluffin2Much: posts small blind 100
thewran: posts big blind 200

*** HOLE CARDS ***Dealt to thewran [8h Th]

oldperson 47: folds
oldperson 47 said, "37
"VickiVix63: folds
petitdauphin: folds
squareonflop: folds
ToWaSe: folds
Bluffin2Much: calls 100
thewran: checks

*** FLOP *** [Ks 7d 8s]
Bluffin2Much: bets 1800 and is all-in

he has air or is on a draw hoping to steal my blind on post flop - that is the only line that makes sense.

thewran: calls 1800
petitdauphin said, "do you go all in at 47"
*** TURN *** [Ks 7d 8s][Js]
*** RIVER *** [Ks 7d 8s Js] [8d]
*** SHOW DOWN ***

Bluffin2Much: shows [7s 9d] (two pair, Eights and Sevens)
thewran: shows [8h Th] (three of a kind, Eights)
thewran collected 4000 from pot

booyah - I think my hand reading is getting slowly better. But it still doesn't make up the fact i'm down $40 for the past two sessions... 13 games downswings stink (and sting). ITs like when I run bad - I seem to play pretty bad too. I think from now on: 2 sets then a break, 2 sets then a break, etc, etc. But I think the 13 game down swing is just variance really. Once we get to 20 - then I'll be thinking maybe something is wrong... Also I got to stop playing when I'm losing.

I'll type up some other stuff that I've been up to since exams. Its actually part of this course I'm doing - but meh - I'm going to get 8 more games in tonight. tata.

3/6 and some thoughts on blogging

Ya, 3/6 exams down and 3 to go. I got one on monday, one on Tuesday and another on Thurday. After I post this I'm going to start studying and planning. I've been running hot as of late in the $3. Two back to back winning sessions in a row and really happy about it. However - I really want to study and internalise gigabet's post on mentality towards poker. But thats for later

The reason why I started bloggin was for:

1. brain dumping
2. To share my story because I sincerely believe that I was born to create change to this world and do something great.

I must admit, I have always been against the internet blogging or myspace, facebook - whatever. A couple of reasons:

1. it lets others check up on yor profile way too easily. Because of this you lose:
* edge
* mystery
* reveal your strengths
* reveal your weaknesses
* Reveal your thought processes.

2. Obvious risk of others stalking you
3. And some other things that I can't put into words at the moment.

But I think the above two reasons I've given tilts the balance to 'ya - go ahead and blog'.

mmmm... pharmachology exam was okay. However i feel Like I should've sent my time making flashcards rather than fucking around making notes. oh well.

Theo