3 lessons on courting that I've learnt.

How long does it take you to get to that stage where all you want to do is just move on? Mines about 5 days...

I think the times has come to be really fucking honest with myself and list all the things where I think went wrong. Ya Ya - yes I"m bitter over the whole break up thing... but most people should know what it feels like being on the receiving end. It hurts. Particurly if you thought that you had some kind of future in that perosn cause she was just freaking amazing (in my dreams). This is an exercise for myself because I realize now... even if Vanessa thinks its not my fault - There are still things I did to shoot vanessa's interest in me below 50% (as doc love would say). I once rationalised that I had really shit timing when it comes to girls... but its more like I fucked up right at the beginning. Allow me to show you how.

1st date...

I should have ended it early... (like not go to the library to 'study') and also try to kiss her - to test her interest level. It also puts that - dating feeling - into the relationship. Friends and dating just don't go together. I think its a must to kiss her on the first date now... I think the rejection at the starts hurts sooo much less than the rejection I received after 3 months of 'dating-but-really-wasting-my-time'. Fuck... thats 3 months where I could have actually gotten a better mark. I do have to plan my kiss that it is in private...

the good things: I payed for the first date - I tried to keep it light and funny: holla! Some things to keep for the next (un)lucky girl I date.

I waited a week to call again... I asked her out but she counter offered.

Stay away from the personal questions... and only stick to the light and fun stuff. Turn off number 1. Also - why did I not kiss her here? aka me = wuss and the pain of rejection at the time of writing this feels way more worst than the embarrasment of rejection back then.

The good things: she counter-offered... I tried to make her laugh...

3rd date...

I finally hooked up with her... and heres where I become not so sure and stuff where i stuffed up. The night went too long... too much indecisiveness... but she had fun? I don't think so. Also I shouldn't text her back straight away.

4th date...

she wanted to talk... to tell me this:

"k the reason why i wanted us to meet today was so that we could talk about stuf. and i wasnt sure how far into the conversation we would go but here goes.

basically what i wanted to say is im not the relationship kind of person which is what i think your wanting. as much as i love being friends with you and hanging out with you, i don't want to go there becuase right now i have a billion things on my plate, mostly to do with family stuff but then uni doesnt help.

when i was saying today that at home im like a completely different person i was being serious. like at home att the moment just a lot of stuff is happening and it would be great if you could just understand and yeah....i know personally that if we were to be more then friends that i would not be the person id want to be.

im sorry this probably isnt making sense. but like my friend from high school got annoyed at me the other night coz i prioritized things over her and my other high school friends. and i know thats not right in relationships and so i dont want to drag you into that.im sorry im such a complicated person as you can probably tell from my biochem notes.anyways that is all for now. please do not be angry and please do not start ignoring me after this email. please come and talk to me if u see me k. ive been in similar situations before and ive handled it completely wrong and yeah i dont want that to happen here. well talk soon k. "

i should've chopped it off there... but I would've regretted if I didn't try to make this work. I guess - the womanese for you turned me off, dude... Again I guess doc love is right... we had a talk and we tried to make it work - but it was only temporary. (i'm such an idiot - I really should've chopped off all contact with her here). Next time I'll be more aware of things.

the rest of the time

I = sucker to my interest in Vanessa. I feel like such an idiot and that doc love is soooo correct about relationships. I guess the stuff we talked about on the last date did not matter as she already was, like, so turned off anyway.

Point of interest... the time where her interest went from 40%-39%:

"can i just say though before i continue that none of this is not about how you've been or something youve done. i just have to clarify that.

its just how i feel i guess in answer to your question. i dont think there was some sort of definite time when i had a change of heart. it was nothing like that. when we had that "talk" i went from thinking of you as a friend to thinking of you as a friend who i could potentially start to really like in a more than friend way.

lol im so confusing. so anyways that went on probably for about two weeks or something then exams came and holidays followed. and i dunno, i think those thoughts/feelings are not present anymore. and its not because im like distracted by other things, because ive had time to think about it and its just how i feel.

like i think of you no more than an amazing friend. and if i were any sort of half-decent friend/person i wouldnt continue doing this to you. leading you on in a way to make your feelings stronger for me when i didnt necessarily reciprocate them back in the same way. can i also add that.... for me to like someone in that way.

it barely ever happens. im so serious. haha. i mean not to say i dont ever wanna have a relationship with someone in future but i know now is not the right time. im the type of person who is content in my own little world and being peoples friends and sharing my time with everybody in my life rather then just ....... basically i also think im not ready for a relationship coz im too immature and selfish to sum that up."

conclusion...

I really shouldn't shut vanessa out of my life. She didn't do anything wrong. If anything, it was me not doing stuff correctly. Or more like it - nature of the rejection the first time - playingout.

So... I guess the big lesson is - when she says no the first time - it really means no forever because I somehow turned her off. If she says yeah okay... It really is temporarily that we get back together (in our case - about 2 months). But for now - I just want to shut her out of my life so I can get over it. And by the sounds of things.. it won't be soon that i see her again.

lesson number two - light and funny, if its anything personal - give a light and funny version of the answer. An for fucks sake - leave any negative stuff behind - she only wants to be there for a good time - not a fucking motivation scheme (big leak imo) or anythign to suggest she is not good enough for you (or your not good enough for her).

lesson number 3 - approach/kiss now cause the pain is so much less than later - this is so true.

These 3 lessons I think will help me to be better. Ty vanessa - I guess God does guide me gently - even if it means that I fuck up something potentially awesome. The good thing is I guess, is that now I'll probably be able to deal with rejection by a stranger. This is because I think rejection by somebody who knows you hurts way more than some stranger that says no to your advances at the bar. AKA - getting the "no - I don't give out my personal details nline (to you)" by Leone; didn't hurt as much as Vanessa saying no to me... after 3 months of getting to know. Furthermore... its a bit humbling to know that I'm NOT a great guy... and that really I'm a noob and an idiot when it comes to women ["your a grea guy, theo - but not my great guy who is worth my love ;-) - You'll find somebody one day Theo, but that person is not me... cause you turn me off. period."]. Meh... so many things to work on. And someone buy a beer for the bitter - now old - man... for giving you some tips and wisdom on how NOT to court a girl.

thanks for reading